227: Nurturing Your Nervous System and Discovering Your Purpose

Jess: 0:00

Maybe I'm the worst practitioner out there because I'm not inspired 100% of the time. That's just not how it works. Us being human, we have different seasons and through that trek it really had me see stillness as the gateway to profound insights and solutions. It's profound.

Camille: 0:28

So you want to make an impact. You're thinking about starting a business, sharing your voice. How do women do it that handle motherhood, family and still chase after those dreams? We'll listen each week as we dive into the stories of women who know this is Call Me CEO. Listen each week as we dive into the stories of women who know this is Call Me CEO. Welcome back everyone to Call Me CEO.

Camille: 0:52

This is your host, Camille Walker, and I am so thrilled to be with you today because we are going to touch on something that affects all of us and that is most certainly something for women and mothers to find, something within you that creates the momentum for happiness that not only affects you but your family, your wellbeing and we all know a happy mother creates a happy home and that can take some effort and work. And today we are going to be speaking with our expert, Jess Arachchi. She is a motherhood mindset coach and family therapist, and she has done this for 12 years, so there is plenty to listen to and learn here, but more than that, having a conversation with her, I just love that she is so committed to creating a happy life for you, so let's dive in. Grab a paper and pen if that feels right to you, or keep working on those dishes, and you'll get the downloads just the same. So thank you so much, Jess, for being with us today.

Jess: 1:53

Thank you so much, Camille. I love it. Yeah, there could be a lot of dishes flying around at the moment.

Camille: 1:58

Oh, always, I feel like I am, honestly, that's one of my hacks for motherhood, to be honest, I am honestly. That's one of my hacks for motherhood, to be honest, is at night, when I am, my battery is super low. I put something in my ear that keeps me going, whether that's a really good podcast or music or something silly, and it just helps me be so much happier. But listen everyone listening today is in for a treat because your Australian accent. I could listen to Australians speak all day, so you're welcome.

Camille: 2:28

And please tell us about you and where you're from, and a little bit more about that.

Jess: 2:32

Yeah, sure. So, yes, everyone, I am Australian. I live in Brisbane, australia. If you've ever been here, it's not the biggest city, but it is a city in Australia. And me, so, yeah, camille has said I have been working with families for the past 12 years and it really started out of.

Jess: 2:55

You know, it's a classic case of I had a chaotic childhood myself and it wasn't a safe environment sometimes and it wasn't a safe environment sometimes. So my childhood felt, yeah, quite unpredictable, with an alcoholic dad and a lot of stuff going on, a lot of unpredictability. I grew up wanting to help other families. Right, I wanted to save my own. I couldn't save my own, so I wanted to go out there and support as many kids as I could and help families so that children felt safe in their homes, because that's what I desired as a child. So I became a social worker that's what happened and I started out in that field, in foster care and child protection. So it's probably the heavier side of social work and I really loved it. I really did.

Jess: 3:45

However, it's a system at the end of the day, and it's a system with rules and regulations and it's a system where we're still governing the outcomes for children in a really big way and I took that very, very, very seriously and I just felt, you know, as the one providing the interventions and the therapies for the children going to these meetings, you know, in schools and in therapist's office for kids I just felt like something was really missing and we were missing the mark for these kids. You know, there was a lot of meetings I was attending and we were still blaming the child if the therapies weren't working and I just didn't feel like that was okay. Something was wrong with that because, as as the support for the foster carers, we weren't putting any responsibility onto the foster carers themselves. You know, how are you responding to the child? What is your energy? What is your? How are you responding to the child? What is your energy, what is your behavior? How are you feeling within yourself? And as, as moms, you've probably already figured out quite quickly that your energy, your mood, your state of mind, your state in your nervous system directly impacts what you see in your child every single day. And we weren't having those deep, meaningful conversations with foster carers, which impacts these children that have been impacted by trauma, heavy trauma, and that wasn't okay with me. So I really realized quickly that that just wasn't going to be my path and I decided to quit. After being on the phone to my mom in tears for weeks and weeks, I just thought mom, what is wrong with me? I feel so depressed, I feel like there's something wrong with me and as I look back I just realise it just wasn't my path, it wasn't my mission, it wasn't my purpose, and so I quit, decided to move to Italy. So you know what a glorious path. Who could hate that? It's one of the best countries in the world.

Jess: 5:46

I was going to teach English over there, so I did my English course First week. I got there, I got a job, I got an apartment on the water just outside of Rome the dream. And I had a couple of months before I began my job. So I just travelled around for a little while and I realised I needed to walk. There was something within me that said, jess, you need to go walking, you need time and space. There's something that you need to figure out here. And so I did. Uh, someone spoke to me about the Camino trek through through Spain. And you know people, people train for about six months to a year for this trek. I trained for a week and I wouldn't even call it training. I bought boots a week before they weren't even, you know, they weren't even trained in. So I was a rookie, an absolute rookie, and that led to you know its own challenges of very, very injured legs. Injured legs.

Camille: 6:39

How long is, how long are we talking?

Jess: 6:42

So it's you're saying, saying what is the trek called it's called the Camino Trek and it's 780, 780 kilometers and it takes, on average, about 30 days to do this. And you walk, yeah, and you walk from 7 am in the morning because you have to be gone by a certain time with all of these um, they call the, they call them albergues, they're, like you know, travelers, hostels, and you have to be gone by 7 am and you get to your next location. When you get there, you're walking about 25 kilometers a day and uh, so my legs I'm trying to do the math.

Camille: 7:20

That's like eight, a little over eight miles, I think. Does that sound right?

Jess: 7:25

Of course.

Camille: 7:25

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Wait where were you?

Jess: 7:29

It takes the day and you've got mountainous. You know terrain ground, so it's not flat. It's certainly not flat. Did you do?

Camille: 7:38

this alone, or were you no?

Jess: 7:40

I did it alone. And how old were you?

Camille: 7:49

I was 30. I was 30. So you're a woman, you're out trekking along, and what did you discover in this trek for 30 days? That is amazing.

Jess: 7:58

So I didn't make it to the 30 because I was untrained and my legs got tendonitis. Because I was untrained and my legs got tendonitis, I got shin splints all over the place, but the tendonitis was excruciating. So I stopped 200 kilometers in. So fortunately, unfortunately, I had to stop at 10 days. I was in tears too much for me. So that's where I made it. And then I had to go to my friend's place in the UK to recover for a few weeks. And then I went to an Italian farm and I worked there for a month because I wanted time and space, even more time and space.

Camille: 8:36

So a lot of self-discovery then.

Jess: 8:39

A lot, a lot, a lot. And what I've realised, Camille, is that we can be in action mode all of the time and think that that's what's going to lead to our answers, to a solution, and it's just not. We really need stillness within ourselves, we need time and space and we need the patience and compassion for ourselves. Within those moments as well and as busy mums we can, you know, you can get really stuck in the action taking and what I've got to be doing and I need to have a solution. We get very impatient, we get very frustrated with ourselves and maybe our kids as well be our kids as well. And what I learned a lot and I still get reminded of this daily is that stillness is perfectly okay, even if it feels uncomfortable, because during that time, and even now right in my business, I'm not always inspired. I'm not always inspired to create new ideas, to create the content to create, to create. I'm not always in that state and it used to have me feel very uncomfortable because I thought, well, maybe this is not the business for me, maybe I'm not doing the right job, maybe I'm the worst practitioner out there because I'm not inspired 100% of the time. That's just not how it works Us being human. We have different seasons and through that trek it really had me see stillness as the gateway to profound insights and solutions. It's profound, so I realized a few things. One is that the, the solutions and and support from the universe will always find you when you are in a state of absolute surrender and you feel like nothing is going to work.

Jess: 10:37

You know, the day that I gave up this trek it was a bad day, camille I was in tears like sobbing, walking up this hill. I got to the top of the hill, I threw my bag on the ground, I sat down like a little three-year-old, throwing the biggest tantrum in the world I ate all of my food in my backpack and I literally thought to myself well, I'm going to stay here for the night and sleep here for the night, on the hill outside. I couldn't move. So I sat there for a few hours and I thought, okay, I'll just get to the next town. And the next town was a town that was completely deserted. There was nobody there, and it was a newly built town in Spain, but nobody could afford to live there.

Jess: 11:22

And so I got there and I was like you've got to be kidding me. There is nobody in this town. There's no buses, there's no taxis. I cried again. I thought what the heck am I going to do? And so I just sat again. I went into a golf club. There was nobody there, nobody to help me. It's kind of creepy. It was creepy. There's all these high rises and nobody lives there. And so I walked about you know two centimetres every ten minutes and I saw this one woman come out of an apartment and I just screamed out to her.

Jess: 12:03

She couldn't speak very much English and I screamed out to her and I said I need help, I can't walk. And then she said, no, I'll drive you to the next town. And I thought I just started crying again. So I had all of these moments where, when you feel like there is no answer and when you feel so unsupported or you feel like you need to break down, when you feel like everything is chaos or a hot mess in your life, there will always be someone there to help you. Always, the universe will always bring support. So it had me trust a whole lot more. That's what I learned, and I also learned my first business idea. That's how I came to figure out what I needed to do. So I realized I don't want to work in a system. I need to create my own. So I need to start my own business.

Jess: 12:54

That was never a thought that I'd had before, and no one around me and my family or my friends had started a business before and previously I had experienced panic and anxiety attacks and I felt incredibly unsafe in my body. I spent, you know, before I left for Italy. I spent about five days at my mom's house in a black room and I honestly didn't want to wake up. I felt that unsafe in my body and, of course, I went down the medical path. I was frightened, I was scared, but it just wasn't for me. It wasn't for me. I didn't want to take the medication. I knew that there was a different way, so I relied on meditation and yoga, and that saved me. It allowed me to feel safe in my body again, and I've lent on those practices time and time again in my life. And so I realized well, this is what children need that don't feel safe in their bodies, the children that I was supporting before. We were trying to talk them through their trauma. It doesn't work. Our body and nervous system needs the support, and that's what I currently do now with mums. I help them with their own nervous system, but also parent their children's nervous system, because that holds the key to the behaviors that we see in adults and children. And so I realized well, I'm going to do this. I'll become a yoga therapist for children. Perfect, so I did. I trained up, went to Singapore on my way home, trained up in in a yoga course for children and meditation, and that was my first business, and it was amazing the the results that children got, the. They started to feel so much more confident in themselves. Non-verbal children becoming a lot more verbal, children that were so explosive and just have tools to rely on so that they felt confident within themselves. Families understanding more of each other, understanding more of their children so it was really beautiful, it was great. So it was really beautiful, it was great.

Jess: 14:55

And again, another light bulb moment and realization came and I was working in the homes of all of these families and I don't know what it's like over there in the US, but here in Australia we have gone down the path of diagnosing everything. Okay, so we have diagnoses and labels for everything, and it's a dangerous path for a lot of families. I work with a lot of mums that have gone down the diagnosis path and it may lead to some really great insights in the beginning. However long term they've found they get back to the space and place where there's just too much chaos and the label and the diagnosis just leads to more problems than solutions for many different reasons. And I was entering these homes and it just felt like chaos.

Jess: 15:51

The mums are so overwhelmed and stressed and I can see that they're really the ones in need of some support and guidance and new insights within themselves to support these kids. Their kids are seeking our core needs safety, security and connection in their own way and we need to support that in their own way and we need to support that. So I then shifted and started working directly with mums and that's what I do today, in many, many different ways, but mostly to get their nervous systems rewired so that they can be a lot more patient and present and understand what habits and belief systems have created what they don't want in their lives and what they don't want in their parenting. And we rewire that, we transform that through various ways, and connection is the goal in our homes connection and a lot more presence. So that's the journey of where the business has evolved to and I love doing what I get to do now. It's, you know, who doesn't love a connected, beautiful family? That's, that's what keeps me going.

Camille: 17:07

Yeah, ooh, that's the. That's the work that really matters. I mean, it's one thing we talked about before we started this chat was that I have a degree in family consumer science, education, and the reason why I didn't share this with you but the reason why that struck a chord of something that I wanted to do more than anything else at the time was that it was the only class I'd ever been to as a senior in high school that really dealt with human connection, sibling, the order of your siblings, how to be an effective communicator and listener, how to be a good partner. It was like real life stuff how to balance a checkbook, insurance, whatever else.

Camille: 17:47

But what I love about your approach is this is something I feel like schools are starting to key into, like the power of our mental health, and I feel like we're still lagging where that class is not even required for all high schoolers and it should be. And this, too, I'm like, okay, this is the stuff that really matters in life. When you look back at the life you've led and how you used your time creating those connections and having a sense of peace and contentment. That's what we're all looking for, that's what we're after. So I can't wait to dig into this with you, and I know that you mentioned before we started the call, that you had a really simple concept or way of teaching how to tap into our nervous system and how to do that with our kids, and I don't want to forget that. So before we go into talking about moms specifically, could we go over that first?

Jess: 18:46

Sure, yes. So I have a process, a very, very, very simple process, mom. So don't worry, this is not another task, although sometimes it will feel challenging, because it's challenging what we've always done. So it's how to parent the nervous system. I created this because we can focus a lot on the behaviors and needing to create consequences. And look, let's face it, long term, this is just not going to create the outcomes that you want, which is to support your children's emotional well-being now, but into their future, right? So I constantly say that childhood is the training ground. It's the training ground for adulthood, and so we, we we really need to be supporting our children in the best way that we can emotionally, so that they are emotionally well in their adulthood. And there is no perfect way to do this. Perfectionism also never the goal, mums. Okay, I know you seek it, I know you search for it, I know you want it. We're never going to get there, so, don't worry, perfectionism is off the table here. It's not going to happen.

Jess: 19:45

So how do we parent the nervous system? Well, firstly, okay, these are for the moments where you feel really stuck, where you feel like the meltdowns are out of control. This is for meltdown mode where you just need to know what to do, and also in the moments of sadness right, real sadness for your kids, any big emotion. This will work. So what we're going to do in those meltdown moments, first step is to reduce the language. Now, as adults, our main form of communication are words. Right, we communicate in words. Words are how we become understood, it's how we express. So, of course, it makes sense that we use it with our kids during every single moment. But in the moments of meltdown, we need to understand that our child's language center of the brain is completely shut down. Even in adults it's shut down, and in a child where it hasn't developed yet fully, then, which it doesn't develop fully until 26 as well. So, let's, you know, let's be realistic as well.

Jess: 20:46

Reduce the language because, see, what happens is, if we rely on language, we are overwhelming their brain even more and the nervous system will become even more irritable. Okay, it will become more irritable. They will feel like they need to melt down harder and they will go more extreme because they feel misunderstood. All we're doing is talking at them. We're either giving instructions, we're trying to have them see a different point of view. Whatever it is that we're doing with our language, so we need to cut it out. We need to cut the language in that moment and it's certainly not a teachable moment. If there is something to learn from this moment, do it later. Do it later, if at all. Okay, sometimes we overteach. We don't always need to be teaching. So reduce language, cut that out.

Jess: 21:32

And usually when I give these three steps to mums, the reducing of the language is the hardest step, because we're trying to find the solution to the problem, we're trying to fix it, we're trying to change it. So just acknowledge that that's there in your body and you'll be able to feel it, but reduce the language anyway. Then the next step is we're going to focus on curiosity, because a lot of the time, depending on the age of your child and this can be for people who work with children too a lot of the time we've got pre-made judgments. We tend to lean on judgment more than curiosity. Curiosity is at the other spectrum of judgment, so we seem to assume what's going on. We're going to assume that it's stupid, right. We're going to assume that it's not needed. This big meltdown is silly, it's over something silly, or they should be over it by now, or whatever judgments that we have. There are so many different ones and again this leads to your child feeling unseen, unheard and misunderstood. And if there is anything that the nervous system requires, it is to be seen, heard and understood.

Jess: 22:47

And I always explain that, even as an adult, if you speak to your partner, your husband, your wife, your friends, family, in a a really emotional moment and you're being so vulnerable and you might be crying or you just might be sharing, and they say to you something like oh well, you know that's, you experienced that last week, so don't worry too much about it, it'll probably be over in a week. Well, they say something to you, right? That's not leading with a question or curiosity, it's leading with judgment. You tend to want to shut down, you get frustrated, you feel misunderstood and you feel more irritable in your body. It's the same for kids, and more so. They don't have the capacity to regulate like we can just yet.

Jess: 23:30

So lead with curiosity. It'll help their little nervous system and their minds feel you, feel connected to you, feel understood. So how to do this? It might be that if there's one little sentence that you might say it's asking a question, it's oh sweetie, I know that that's really hard. So tell me, why do you think that happened? Is it feeling really hard? Because and then you might say a reason You're getting curious, you're asking questions, asking questions. We're not judging, we're not providing statements. So curiosity and this will help you in every realm of parenting, by the way, and even in your relationships curiosity is the next step. Then we're also.

Jess: 24:13

The next step is I've alluded to it throughout it, but I like to give it its own step. So whenever we do speak, whenever we do talk and this is not just in meltdown mode, but if we do say a sentence, then we want to reduce persuasion language. So I alluded to it before Usually we're trying to shift their mind into thinking or seeing something different than what is in the moment. And I don't know about you, but if you have I mean Camille, you have older children than I do, but I've seen this time and time again.

Jess: 24:48

If you try and persuade your children to see something differently, to see a different perspective, to feel something different, in a moment where they are so upset, they feel so deeply about something, they will become more and more heightened. Usually they will feel like you don't get them and if they're teenagers, they're probably going to tell you that straight to your face. And again, when we have a misunderstood nervous system, it's going to fight back. It is going to become more and more dysregulated.

Jess: 25:22

So this is the quickest and easiest path to parenting the nervous system to a state of feeling understood, and it could be about the most stupid things, and it's not to say you need to do this every single time. The most stupid things, and it's not to say you need to do this every single time. But if you're experiencing meltdowns regularly and they last a really long time, you try these three steps, even if it's just the reduced language part, and you will see them decrease and not decrease, because we're trying to avoid all meltdowns. Let me make that clear we require meltdowns. Children need to have them. However, we do have an unnecessary amount If we speak too much. We're just giving judgments for trying to have them be different, see things differently in that emotional moment, because the nervous system wants to be seen in that moment for what is happening with them.

Camille: 26:24

I like that advice. I'm curious for in my experience almost 17 years of being a parent, there are times when I know that being able to express how they feel and express emotion is what can help them to process emotion. I know that that's a very real and viable thing. What do you do for the child who doesn't know how to express themselves? But they're almost like grunting. Or let's say that you're asking a question out of curiosity, but then all you're getting back is a and that. I guess teenagers can do that too sometimes, but like, almost, like they're not verbalizing their own thoughts, but it's like does that make sense? What I'm trying to convey here, what?

Jess: 27:16

would you?

Jess: 27:16

say in that scenario yeah, you allow it to be. Again, we can become a little, um, maybe a little frustrated with it sometimes because it still doesn't lead to a solution. Right, we really want to hear the verbal nature of what's going on, because then our own logical mind can understand it, then our own logical mind can go to work on finding the solution. We want to find the solution. You want to know what to do to fix it. However, with those kids, again, that just might not be the moment to get curious, to have that conversation with them, because when they're heightened, all of the logical nature goes out the window. It's gone, forget about it, there's no logical.

Camille: 28:03

There's no rational. Are you suggesting wait till that moment is over? Oh yeah, you're just kind of letting them grunt it out and do the thing, and then you go talk to them later.

Jess: 28:14

Yeah, yeah. If this is a consistent repeating pattern, then they they haven't quite worked out how to, and it depends on their age, of course. If you're talking teens and you know you've got a whole world of things going on there, but they haven't quite worked out how to express themselves in those moments. And that's kind of okay, because the the greatest learning for them will happen when they're outside of that window, that meltdown window, because the limbic system, right, the emotional center of the brain, has had time to settle, to regulate, to calm, and that means the body is more open as well, the nervous system is a bit more open and receptive, and they're the moments to go in with your curiosity, a bit more open and receptive, and they're the moments to go in with your curiosity. And if, if they can feel seen and understood by you when they have calmed, I would be wondering, then, how that does in the end.

Jess: 29:07

Let's face it, this is not going to take one or two times. Okay, we're childhood in training. It's training, um, how that leads to then those meltdown moments. Maybe they start to find the words, maybe you start helping them to find the words when they're okay and they can bring it into those meltdown times. However, that can take time, and that's okay, that's all right. The brain is still doing its thing. It's still learning. The nervous system is still learning.

Camille: 29:32

Ooh, I like that answer. So, as a recap, we, we talk less, we get curious. And then the third thing was we remove persuasive language we get rid of persuasive language in those moments, absolutely yeah, okay I like it all, all right. So let's go into the mother, let's go into the mother load of how we, as moms, create a better sense of protecting our mindset being in tune with our purpose and creating a happy home.

Camille: 30:10

What are some good first steps for that? Because in my years of coaching with women, I've been amazed at how many times women will say to me I don't even know what I like anymore, I don't know what my hobbies are, I don't even know who I am, you know, and that's it's very common, and it's very easy to fall into that, especially where when every making waking moment, you're at the service to someone else or their needs, it can be really easy to put yourself on that back burner. So what would you say as far as helping us to regulate our own nervous system and also to be more in tune with our own needs?

Jess: 30:49

Yeah, sure. So let me start with how to tap into our own nervous system. I'll start there first. So often when we get to adulthood, we have this nervous system that has a whole range of survival instincts. Whether they serve us or not is a question for you. We've also got the conditioning as well. We've got all of these learned behaviors, again, that may or may not serve you. And so we've got all of this stuff in our nervous system. And the nervous system has two goals. Generally, our goals are either to go after so this is the craving part I use, so crave. It craves pleasure, right, it craves comfort, it craves pleasure, it craves to feel good. So that, then, is what leads to the behaviors. So we will, we will choose the behaviors.

Jess: 31:46

Unconsciously, we would do the things that lead to a nervous system that feels well, that feels happy. We will also avoid okay, the nervous system is generally always working to avoid the discomfort, avoid these uncomfortable sensations in our body. So that might be, you know, it could be loneliness, it could be depressive states, it could be anxiety, it could be sadness, it could be anger, whatever it is for you. So it's got craving mechanisms and it's got avoidance mechanisms and, depending on the life you've lived and there's no right or wrong ever. Depending on the life you've lived will depend on how it chooses to get those needs met. And so what I often find is that and we've gotten to a stage where we are in avoidance mode more often and we are so uncomfortable with the discomfort in our bodies that it's leading to a lot of unhelpful thoughts and a lack of compassion for ourselves. There's no kindness for ourselves, there's impatience, there is a lot of frustration and anger, and there might be a lot of habits that actually don't serve us and don't fulfill us. So it might be that we are flocking to coping mechanisms that have us dissociate from our bodies more so. So we might go turn to shopping and spending money, we might turn to watching TV, we might turn to social media, we might turn to alcohol, we might turn to spending time with friends that actually don't align with us and don't serve us. But we just need to get out of our own heads and bodies. Mainly so we've got these coping mechanisms.

Jess: 33:43

Now, most of the time, what I'm helping mums through is how do we get comfortable with those sensations so oftentimes, whether it's got to do with their kids, whether it's got to do with their husbands or partners, whether it's got to do with their life in general, their life fulfillment, or this discontent or irritation that they feel it's all got to do with their life in general, their life fulfillment, or this discontent or irritation that they feel it's all got to do with the sensations in their body and this is the nervous system at play. So we need to rewire that, which means that we need to adjust our relationship to those sensations. So what I'm always saying is how can we build an intimate and loving and compassionate relationship with our nervous system? And I use the word. So I have a meditation for this which I'm really happy to share. So it'll talk you through the process of how to rewire and build a different relationship with those uncomfortable sensations in our bodies. Now the thing is, by the time we're consciously aware of these sensations in our bodies, they have been floating around in our bodies for I don't know how long for you, maybe days, maybe weeks at an unconscious level. So this is where the more awareness we can have with those sensations, the more then we can transfer that into those tricky moments with our kids where we can be more patient because the irritability in our bodies is not building up over days and weeks. We're actually catching it and instead of running away from it and needing to explode or needing to dissociate, we have built a friendship with that sensation. So we befriend it, we smile to it, we locate it in our bodies. So it's really important to get a hold of the sensations.

Jess: 35:35

That's the overarching goal for a lot of, you know, somatic work, body work, nervous system work is tapping into the sensations in our bodies, because you will know if you've experienced anxiety, panic, you know, even anger, even sadness, grief, loss, whatever it is, it's in the body and if we can befriend it, we remove the labels and the judgments. Okay, remembering the judgments keep us stuck and if there's a line that I want you to remember when it comes to these, you know, perceived uncomfortable sensations, it's that what we resist will persist. So if you keep resisting those sensations or those feelings in your body, then it will continue to persist. And this is where a lot of the compassion work comes into it for mums, because we're not too great at compassion we really want to get things right. You want to get things right for your kids and you want to get things right for yourself and it's a beautiful thing, it's really great. However, it just doesn't serve you long-term. It doesn't lead to fulfillment. So, a lot of compassion and a lot of tapping into those sensations in your body and befriending Use that word befriend. How can I befriend you right now? Can I smile with you? So those types of questions in those moments will start to help you and I can share my meditation, which will guide you through a process. So that's how we can start the process with the nervous system Now, with, with the purpose and you know, like you said, it's funny I think I was speaking to I held a retreat on the weekend for my clients and I you know it's the same thing all of the time too that they don't know, I don't even know what I, like, I, I've been, I've been focused on the needs of my kids for so long and other people not just kids, by the way, not just their kids because I, I, you know, I, I, I encourage you to think if, if you're doing it for your kids, you're also doing it for a lot of other people too.

Jess: 37:38

This is, it's generally not a your child situation. Okay, this is, this is a habit pattern. So look outside of your kids too, and I hear it a lot as well. I've. I've lost myself. I don't know what brings me joy. I wouldn't even know where to start.

Jess: 37:56

And the thing is, what I find and I was speaking to my client on the weekend is what I find and I was speaking to my client on the weekend is that when we feel so lost and it's been such a long time we are stuck in this frozen state, even if we've decided I want to start living for me or I want to start finding what lights me up, we become frozen because we've had all of this time. We need to make the perfect choice as our first step. So there's this frozen state and there's all of this mind analysis going on, with all of the options that we have of what could we try. Okay, if we just wanted to start, maybe it's a dance lesson, maybe it's a yoga class, maybe it's a mom's event, Maybe it's an art class, all of the things that we've got access to. But we're frozen. And we're frozen because we're looking for perfection. We're frozen because we're looking for the perfect result straight away to get us from our current state to the desired state, and so we don't take any action, we don't take any steps forward, and so just acknowledge that, if you're in that state, just acknowledge it First of all, that you're there, it's okay, nothing's right or wrong, that's all right. And we just need to take a tiny step forward and know that the first step is just the perfect step for the next step. It's the next step for the next perfect step. It's not going to take one step to find what lights you up again, and it may, okay. So there's a whole range. So just take one step.

Jess: 39:42

And you know, when I've been in these States in the past, I just go online and I look for classes and I just book anything. I just book anything. I know my body is resistant. I can feel it wanting perfection. I can feel it wanting the perfect outcome because I want to escape from what I have currently created in my body, in my life, in my mind. I want the perfection, but I'm not going to get it. So I just have to consciously take the action anyway. So please know that if you're there, there is no perfection, there's no perfect outcome. There's just a little step.

Jess: 40:18

And I always like to have in my mind and I have this visual in my mind that you know the, you know the dot to dots that kids get right.

Jess: 40:29

We're at state zero and the thing is is that we need to get all the way around and it doesn't take one dot, it takes many dots to get all the way around and complete our journey. And we're not going to know that dot zero led to dot one. We're not going to know why we needed to take dot one to dot two until we're at dot five and we look backwards and realize, yeah, well, that makes sense. Now actually we're not going to know. So take the pressure off. Understand the expectations that you have in your mind, because expectations are a killer of joy and a creator of anger and frustration. Remove the expectations, or at least just understand them, and just take a little step and understand that you may be looking perfection and usually the awareness of this can really be all that. We need to take that first step from dot zero to dot one. That's all we need to do.

Camille: 41:32

I like the way that analogy of the dot to dot, because it does feel like it has to be some monumental thing when really it's experimentation. It all goes back to the curiosity theme I think that we've talked about today. It's curiosity for having acceptance and openness to our children's emotions and to our own discovery of ourselves, like it's really not about having the pieces laid out before us, because what would be the point of life then? Right, If we had it all laid out before us, because what would be the point of life then?

Jess: 42:04

right, if we had it all laid out before us.

Camille: 42:06

That would be no fun. I'm curious about what your maybe a takeaway or a story of someone who was in a place like that and was able to find joy and contentment that felt lost? Do you have a story that you could share with us that maybe would resonate with our listeners?

Jess: 42:27

Yeah, so I worked with a mom a few years ago this is just the first one that popped into my head and she came to me because she she honestly was so overwhelmed and wanted to tap out that she would leave the home for a few days. And the husband said you just need to go, I will take care of the kids. Don't like, please, please, go and just give yourself time. She, she didn't want to be here anymore. She didn't want to be a mother anymore. Okay, it was a lot for her. So this this is one extreme. What we worked on was identifying her, identifying her needs and her desires and what felt good for her. That's all we worked on. We didn't work on child behaviours. We didn't work on child strategies, even though that's also what she thought she needed. So we worked on her and what she, what she did. Again, she did. She did exactly what I said. She just started really small. So she started going to the yoga class on a weekend. She started to go for her morning walks because she loved being in nature and she could feel that she desired that, but she just never took the action to do it. We often know what we need. We. We can feel it in our often know what we need. We can feel it in our mind and in our bodies. We can feel it. It's just that something is generally in the way from us getting into action mode, and that's okay. We can always figure that out. So she just started. She started with those two small steps. They're tiny, but they're monumental to someone if that's what their soul and their body requires. So we started there and day by day, she started to feel like more herself. There's a magical thing that happens when you do what those little whispers tell you to do, because we're giving our unconscious mind the message that you matter, you're important and I'm always going to be here for you. I'm going to meet your needs. I'm going to do what it takes to be with you and to meet your needs. There's something that happens in that relationship with our unconscious mind and we can't explain it all of the time, but it happens, and so the more and more she did that, then she started to have more coffee dates with friends, right, she started to get out more and more, and it led to a really, really happy mom. She, she was a different woman and she honestly can't believe it still, and the reason is is because she started to meet her needs, which then had her understand herself more. There's something really beautiful in being able to spend time with yourself and learn about yourself in a really curious and compassionate way. Curiosity and compassion. So she also. Then she was calm enough, happy enough, fulfilled enough to then understand what her kids needed in certain moments. She didn't need me to tell her the parenting strategies. Sure, we bounced our ideas off of each other, but she came up with the solutions because she was giving her mind and her body what they needed and therefore they felt still enough, calm enough, to create the solutions for other people. So that's you know.

Jess: 45:57

Long story short. It takes a lot of courage and bravery to do that, and it will take, especially if you're the mum that has never put herself. And I don't know if it's first. I don't think it needs to be first, second or third, but I just think we need to put our needs at the top of the list. We need to be at the top of the list important. Otherwise we will never be able to meet the needs of others, and that includes our kids, and they can feel it, mums, they can feel it.

Jess: 46:28

Please know that you're never fooling your kids. If you have a smile on your face and you are depleted and exhausted, your children will feel it. They are little receptors and they can feel everything. They've been analysing you since the day that they were born, even beforehand. So they know your micro movements, they know your facial expressions, they know your energy, they know your bodily movements better than you do. So this is why it's so important and to do what you need to do.

Jess: 46:59

We can get stuck in. Well, I'm neglecting my child or I'm not meeting their needs. If I go out, there's guilt right, this whole commotion about mum guilt yes, it's going to be present. Does it matter? No, it doesn't. It doesn't give us any indication of what's right or wrong at all. It's just there because we love our kids so much. Right, and again, I I recommend that you look outside of your kids to see where you feel guilty about not doing things for other people too, because this is just not a child thing, this is your nature thing, this is a habitual thing that you can start to change. So that's yeah, that was a really great transformation to see, of course, and now their family's doing really great.

Camille: 47:46

Oh, I love that. That's such a good example of something so profound that comes from simple steps of just listening inward and giving yourself the opportunity to be curious about yourself, and I can guarantee you your partner, as a loving partner, would want that for you, and so would your children, and I think sometimes we forget that. I love this quote that says the greatest gift that you can give to your children is a happy mom, because it translates to them having a happy childhood, and so why wouldn't we put effort into that if we could, you know.

Camille: 48:23

I just love that so much this has been so enlightening. I can guarantee there have been light bulbs and thoughts that have been going off as our listeners have been thinking about this and pondering. You know, what is it that you're doing? That is, giving yourself that breath of fresh air that you need to be happy and to be functioning and to really give your kids the gift of paying attention to yourself, which, if you put it in certain ways, can sound selfish, but it is exactly the opposite. So please tell our audience where they can find more of you and your content and your offerings. Yeah sure.

Jess: 49:00

So Instagram is a great place. You can just go, jess Arachi, and it is a double CH, it'll trick you, but it's A-R-A-C-H-C-H-I my website as well, jessarachicom. So go there.

Camille: 49:14

I would say they're the two best places to find out more and to reach out to me if you want to Perfect and, as we wrap up, I asked all of our guests these two sets of questions, and the first is what are you reading, watching or listening to? And the second is a motherhood moment you'd like to share.

Jess: 49:34

What I'm reading at the moment is the way of integrity by Dr Martha Beck, and it is. It's so incredible and it's all about understanding your true nature in a world that tends to want to take you off the path of your true nature. So I'm finding that really fascinating at the moment. She's wonderful, really wonderful, so.

Camille: 49:58

I highly recommend that. I think I would like that?

Jess: 49:59

Yeah, really wonderful. So I highly recommend that. I think I would like that.

Camille: 50:06

Yeah, she's got a great podcast as well with Dr.

Jess: 50:08

Huberman, so that's worth listening to to get a feel for her. And a motherhood moment, I think, a motherhood, you know, there was a moment on the stairs the other day and my daughter was my daughter's 10 months, okay. So she is, she's a little bubba and she's, you know, learning to walk and you know, and she's got her slobbery kisses. And we were on the stairs playing the other day and she's, you know, trying to give me kisses and she's, you know, kissing my cheek.

Jess: 50:39

And well, slobbering, I think, is more accurate and she's, you know, kissing my cheek and was slobbering I think is is more accurate and she's slobbering all over my neck and you know it's tickling me and I just I'm laughing so much, I'm giggling and I'm laughing and you know, for me it takes, it takes a lot for me to have a giggle, a giggle fest. Okay.

Camille: 50:59

It takes a lot, yeah it really does.

Jess: 51:06

Giggle a giggle fest. Okay, it really does. And I just I think the one thing I've noticed since becoming a mom and I'm so grateful for and I know my body and mind are so grateful for, and that was a moment that just showed me and highlighted was that I smile so much more. I mean, I was smiley before. You know, I have a great husband and we laugh, we laugh a lot, but I just smile and giggle a lot more and I'm really grateful for that and in that moment it just had me again feel so happy and so grateful. That that's what I get to experience when, when I've released all the pressures of what I'm meant to be doing through the day, what I'm meant to achieve, and I throw it out the window and I just make a decision that I choose to be present with you and enjoy you in this moment and enjoy us. So that was, that was a really fun and beautiful moment the other day.

Camille: 51:59

That was a really fun and beautiful moment the other day. I love that and, as a mother who's been, I mean gosh, I miss those baby giggles and it's so fun. I still have kids that make me laugh every day, but those slobber giggles are definitely so special.

Camille: 52:16

I heard a quote just this last weekend something that said kids laugh an average of 430 times a day. We're an adult, it's something under a hundred like easily. So I think that is such a good perspective of looking for those moments of laughter and to just be present and to allow our children to take us there, Because I think sometimes we can get wrapped up in the to-dos and and not embrace that moment of silliness and just to be, just to be present in that moment. Thank you for sharing that. That's really special.

Jess: 52:49

Yeah, you're welcome.

Camille: 52:50

Thank you. Well, everyone who's listening, thank you for listening to the show and if you have found this helpful, encouraging, inspirational, please give us a five-star rating and subscribe to the show so that you can listen to weekly inspirational stories of mothers building businesses and share with a friend. We appreciate you. Thank you so much and again, thank you, jess, for sharing such an incredible message that has such a long-term effect on what really matters, which is that sense of being happy with where we are and that contentment of life, and what really matters, which is that sense of being happy with where we are and that contentment of life and what really matters. So, thank you so much for being on the show.

Jess: 53:29

That's my pleasure. I'm so glad I got to chat with you and, yeah, and all of your listeners today. Thank you.

Camille: 53:35

You bet We'll see you all next time and thank you for tuning in. Hey CEOs, thank you so much for spending your time with me. If you found this episode inspiring or helpful, please let me know in a comment. In a five-star review, you could have the chance of being a featured review on an upcoming episode. Continue the conversation on Instagram at callmeCEOPodcast, and remember you are the boss.