221: Connection Codes: Strategies for Overcoming Overwhelm with Tera Wages

Tera: 0:00

I need to process these past experiences, because that was pre me really using these tools and they're still stuck inside of me. So now I need to inform my body I'm safe, I'm okay. We all made it. You know really like go through those times that I felt really lonely, that I felt a lot of fear, and get it out of my body.

Camille: 0:31

So you want to make an impact. You're thinking about starting a business, sharing your voice. How do women do it that handle motherhood, family and still chase after those dreams? We'll listen each week as we dive into the stories of women who know. This is Call Me CEO. Welcome back everyone to Call Me CEO.

Camille: 0:53

This is your host, Camille Walker, and today we are talking about the power of overwhelm. We all have it, we're going through it every single day and, with our kids now growing and developing in this overstimulated world, they have overwhelm and stress too. But the good news is there are tools to help us tap into our brain and our body nervous system and our power, and today we have an expert here who's going to help us do just that. It is Tera wages. She is the CEO of connection codes, which is a business and also a podcast, so if that's something that you want to check out, there is more information there. Today we're going to be scratching the surface about how to identify emotions, bring them to the surface so that we can process them and be more purposeful and present in our work, life, family and emotional wellbeing. So thank you so much for being on the show today, Tera.

Tera: 1:46

Thank you, that's my favorite introduction I've ever had. Oh really, spot on. Yes, I loved that. Yes, well, what a compliment.

Camille: 1:53

Thank you, yes, thank you. Well, tell our audience where you're calling in from a little bit about your family, and then what brought you into this world of emotional healing and then, what brought you into this world of emotional healing?

Tera: 2:08

Yeah, absolutely. I am just south of Nashville, Tennessee, in Franklin, Tennessee, and I'm a Southern girl through and through. I am a mom of four kids 11, nine, seven and five. So I'm still very much in the thick of the earlier kids stages, but out of the toddler years.

Camille: 2:25

So good yes so good.

Tera: 2:27

It is a very sweet spot that I have entered, but I have not always been there. I've come out of the darker season of the tiny, tiny humans. I've been married for 16 years to my very best friend and we had originally built a video production business together. We did that together for 16 years and we worked with online thought leaders and entrepreneurs filming e courses and testimonial videos. So we worked with Marie Forleo and Amy Porterfield building their content, and so we very much knew this world of online like taking what's in your brain and getting it out into the world.

Tera: 3:10

And so in 2020, the world shut down and we were invited to join a Zoom call of two of a marriage and family therapist and his wife, and they were teaching emotional regulation and we didn't have anything else to do. So I was like, okay, why not, we'll join. And we sat there in complete awe of what they were teaching and again, it was just done over Zoom. They had been teaching it in one-on-one private sessions. That's the only way they were getting it out, and one of their clients had invited them to speak at their conference. And when it shut down, they were like, can we teach it on Zoom? And we were invited to be on. It was just very happenstance that we got to sit there and listen to them teach it live for the first time.

Tera: 3:57

And as we were listening to them, I've thought we have to get this out into the world, like we need to come in and help create courses and help create content so other people can access these tools.

Tera: 4:11

Because my husband and I we were in a good spot, like we're best friends. I really like the guy We'd had, you know, our years of trauma and almost getting divorced, but going through therapy and getting better, like we'd already done that part of it and we were fine at this point. But when we started using their tools for the first time, it was all of these light bulbs going off for us and just realizing, oh, we can connect with each other on a much deeper level, really, really quickly. It was like a tangible tool and so I just slowly like worked my way into their business and getting to know them and build trust with them and shooting some videos for free for them. For a long time before they were like hey, we want to partner with you and now I am their CEO, I am their lead coach, I lead our podcast, I run the business and, yeah, I am exactly aligned with what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I've never believed in anything more than I believe in this tool.

Camille: 5:20

Wow, what a powerful thing to be able to say and to discover, and then also to be able to partner with someone that you're like Ooh, I like what you're doing, and then now you're CEO. That's a huge shift of what your role was and what it became. Is that something I'm just curious? How long have they been running the tools? For about 10 years, at that point, and um, but again just teaching it one-on-one on our first zoom call.

Tera: 5:50

They never even used zoom before they didn't know, yeah, so our coach, um, our client that was had invited us on. He was like coaching them through how to share their screen and how to do these things and and, um, and now I mean they, we have multiple courses. We are certifying coaches under our program right now. Like where we've been able to take it to in the last four years has just been a testament to what they've created, but also just so beautiful that I had skills that I'd gained previously and that, as women, we can pick up things along the way that we don't even realize what they can turn us into in the future and the doors that they can open, and so I love that we can be ever evolving and we may be in a path that we're like, oh, this isn't where I'm supposed to be exactly, but what that can open a door up in the future is just beautiful.

Camille: 6:44

Yeah, that's amazing. I love that you said that, because I literally I literally was just doing a podcast interview yesterday and said the exact same thing, where sometimes we feel like we're tripping up because maybe we had a false start, a false start with something, and then we tried something different and it wasn't quite right, but we learned these amazing skills. And then eventually you get to a place where, in that season, that is the thing. That doesn't mean it has to be your thing forever and always, but it's that season where it just fits and you're finally like oh, that's why it's almost like dating, where you go through different relationships and you're learning so many things along the way, and then you get to your person and you're like, oh, this is still work, but it all makes sense now. Like it just, it all works together.

Tera: 7:27

Yes, yes, absolutely, and I had known that with COVID, like I was already kind of etching my way out, I was ready for a shift and um, and so being able to apply what all I gained there and the tools of just working with the people we'd had been able to work for, and also being aligned, like, with your passion. And so for me, finding something that changed my life and knowing that I have the tools that can actually help that business grow and become something bigger than they even knew it could, and putting myself out there Cause that's the other part is, I think so often we stay small because we have unprocessed fear holding us back. You know we don't think, oh, how could I actually help? You know what can I attribute to this thing? But we all have skills that we can bring into something. And when, if you have a passion there, if there's an alignment in your soul, that's the sign to like, step in and open a door for yourself. You may not see the door yet, but you can open a door.

Camille: 8:28

That's so powerful. I love that and I'm curious. I'm like jaw to the ground a little bit because I'm a big Amy Porterfield fan, so I'm like, oh, I love that you worked with her. She is such a kind person and her energy really translates through the video Like and I I'm assuming, knowing now that you're involved in that that must've been from coaching from you too. Any tips on where video is such a big part of business creation or content creation at this point? Any tips before we get into the emotional code part, any tips about translating and connecting through video that you could share with us?

Tera: 9:04

Yeah, well, I will say so. My husband does all of her courses, so DCA just launched again this last week and she is just a genius, she is a mastermind. He knows when he is going to step into the room with her, she is ready to go, which she's just honed her skill. And so I would say practice.

Tera: 9:24

Often, like I think, we get stuck in the fear of not presenting well, but I love when Amy shows her older videos, videos that she was doing 10 years ago and how she has evolved over time, and so I would just encourage people to turn your camera on. Just start now, and it doesn't have to be the most professional version of it. There's always room to grow, there's always room to hire people in the future, but don't let those things stop you from getting started. And we are our own worst critics, for sure, but what you have to say is powerful, and if we're going to sit there and not share that with the world because we're criticizing ourselves, the world is missing out on what you have to say, and I know that Amy has even overcome those same insecurities that we all have, and we, if she had not done that when she did, we wouldn't have the skills that she's brought forward to the world.

Tera: 10:20

And so, yeah, I just say, turn your camera on, find a great window, and if you work with a team, find someone that you feel comfortable with. That is absolutely key. If their presence when they walk in the room, if there's any kind of block in you, that's not your people. And I attribute my husband he is a master at that. He knows how to make people feel comfortable. He'll trip over himself.

Tera: 10:44

So you feel like you're the smartest person in the room you know, and so yes, finding a team that you've just feel like oh, this is my brother I'm working with, I feel super comfortable with him or my girlfriend that's sitting here with me, makes a huge difference as well.

Camille: 10:59

Yeah, it's been interesting to watch. I love that advice. And just speaking of Amy Porterfield for one more second is I love that she said I use she has a freckle on her upper lip and it's it's a pretty big freckle, you can see it. And she said for years and years doing video, I always made sure my freckle was covered. And now I've learned that imperfection is authentic and that I don't have to show up with covering this freckle because that's part of who I am and why am I trying to cover who I am? And I think that that can be an analogy of literal who you are like, what you look like, but also who you are on the inside, and really letting your inner freckle show. I just think that.

Camille: 11:45

So watching that evolution of her being more, I guess unpolished would be the term that she is showing up and showing that vulnerability, and then to talk about it openly and say you know, I was nervous about this and I was really self-conscious of that. And it's just. I think when you are open and sharing that kind of vulnerability, it allows other people to do the same and listen. There are so many trolls out there like creating content for so many years online, I know this, but it's also. There are so many people that you can help with the message that's in your heart. So thank you for sharing that message. I think that's so important and and practicing just to be willing to put yourself out there and do it imperfect, falling forward and I love that you say that about your husband that he'll trip over himself. That's so endearing.

Tera: 12:34

Yes, yeah, yeah, he, he's the best, and so, yeah, and I definitely understand the troll aspect. At some point we'll probably do our tool today, and I have some things to process there of my own experience with that that I experienced today and and so that that is it. It's putting yourself out there because you do have a message to share and and not getting stuck in the comparison.

Camille: 13:00

I think that's where we get stuck is. We're comparing.

Tera: 13:02

I'm comparison myself to Amy. Well, Amy's been doing it for 10 years. I've been doing it for two, um, and as far as like putting my face out there and so just knowing your truth and your passion and sharing that because people need to hear that.

Camille: 13:16

Yeah, I agree. Well, let's get into the work of it. Let's talk about the emotional code and how it all works.

Tera: 13:24

Yes, yes, and so one of the things that we, as humans, are taught early on in our life is to ignore our emotions, and this comes from often a good place. It starts early in our childhood, and so even yesterday, my seven-year-old was riding his bike and he ended up falling. It's his favorite activity to do. He fell, and a lot of times our instinct is to run over to our kid and be like oh, you're okay. It's okay Because we want to comfort them. We know they're ultimately okay, but we want to reassure them. But in their little brains they're like no dude, I am hurt. Hurt is what my brain is telling me right now. Hurt is what my brain is telling me right now. And so when we are telling them that they're okay, we are unintentionally like disregarding their emotion and we're teaching them not to tap into the message that their brain is sending them. And so our core emotions are the messages that our brain is sending us that keep us safe. They help us move forward in our life, they show us what's missing in our lives, where we need support. So they all have messages, and when we can't tap into those messages, they actually weigh us down. So we are showing up heavy. For example, if I get into an argument with my husband on a Sunday night and we end up staying up late fighting and we still never really resolve it. I did this for years, which is why this example is easy for me to give. And now, monday morning, I need to come and sit at my desk and write important emails I'm still thinking about that argument that I had last night and I'm tired because I didn't sleep very well and now I need to focus on writing great content to put out to my audience. My work is going to be subpar that day. I'm not going to show up as the best version of myself because I was experiencing a lot of emotion and I ignored it, I disregarded it and I didn't use it to actually connect with my partner or connect with myself to move forward.

Tera: 15:30

And so we get knocked off course all the time and in that we are overwhelmed. We're experiencing anxiety. We're experiencing higher rates of autoimmune disorders. Women, specifically, we experience I think I read 80% of the autoimmune disorders are women are experiencing, and it's because we have so much on our plate. We are balancing home, we're balancing the mental wellbeing of our children, our marriages, our businesses, and it's too much, and when our brains are overwhelmed, they are not connecting with each other. And when we become emotionally flooded Dr Glenn, our founder, the way he says it is we become a dumber version of ourselves. Our brain is flooded with emotion. It slows down our cognition, so we're actually not able to think clearly, we're not able to make wise choices because our brains are flooded. And so we help people get rid of the flood and actually connect with themselves using our four minute tool.

Camille: 16:38

That is so good. I love that you're talking about a dumber version of yourself makes so much sense. Because, number one, if you're not getting sleep, that alone is an issue. Yeah, I don't think I've ever felt more crazy than when I was up all night with my babies. And then you know, taking care of toddlers and children at the same time and just blah like your reaction time is just more short and you're overwhelmed more easily. Things feel bigger than they are in my experience. And but also to shove the trauma of whatever we're requesting is an added layer to that, because if we're not dealing with it, the body keeps score. I really believe that, yeah, so I think that having ways to process is so important. Where you're right, we don't. I don't know that that's something we're really taught in the best way.

Tera: 17:29

Yeah, and even now we're. We're in a society that treats symptoms and so a lot of my clients, when they start coming to me, when they see me for my uh, one-on-one coaching program, they are having breaking out in hives, um, experiencing lock jaw. They are having breaking out in hives, experiencing lock jaw, having daily headaches or back pain, pain in their hips, and it's because their body has been keeping the score.

Tera: 17:53

And so the example of the woman that was experiencing hives she actually ended up enrolling in our program because she went to the doctor and he said this is stress, this is I can't give you medicine for this, because it's stress related. And that was her final wake up call of I need to do something about this stress. But she'd been living in it for years and so we often wait until things are really destroying is a dramatic word, but really like messing up our bodies and how we're feeling in our bodies and how we're showing up for our families and our partners and ourselves. And then we'll go and they'll either say, well, it's a stress issue or here's a pill to take care of that. And I want people to know I am. I am so grateful we live in a society of Western medication that can help us when we truly need it. But there are often times where if we could process our emotions, if we can actually get in touch with what's happening in our body early, then we can prevent a lot of what we're experiencing.

Camille: 18:57

I believe this a hundred percent and it's there's different modalities that have helped me in the past and for sure, communication and processing the emotions. There's even been a time where I was clenching my jaw at night, unbeknownst to me, and I went to the dentist thinking that I had a cavity. And they're like no, you, there's no cavity. You've been clenching, you have a crack in your tooth. And I'm like perfect. So there was nothing like at that point, there's nothing they could do. At some point it'll be eroded enough that we'll have to do like some sort of root canal or something. But they're like you can have a chew guard, like you can have this. So even if you're clenching, like now, you have a little buffer and thankfully I've been to.

Camille: 19:45

It took a few months of bringing to the surface what it was that was causing me to clench at night, cause I didn't even know I was doing it and what's interesting is that the body will do that. Or I've even had one time where I started getting really strong um shoulder, like upper shoulder pain, and I realized I was like clenching one side of my shoulder like higher than the other, just through the day and didn't even realize I was doing it and then realizing, oh, I need to like process and emotion, or just relax, like, be in tune with my body or what is my mind communicating through this clench of either the jaw or the shoulder or whatever it is, and those are your emotions that are unprocessed or unrecognized. So I've gone through periods of that myself, and it's so. I'm excited to hear about the way the tools you use.

Tera: 20:33

Yes, yeah, no, absolutely. That's a great example and it even keeps a score if you've experienced trauma. And so, for me, I realized, in January of 2017, my husband had an experience where he literally could have died he had a pulmonary embolism in both lungs. Multiple blood clots oh my goodness. Multiple blood clots. 2019, my son almost passed. And then 2021, I like survived COVID.

Tera: 21:03

Like I went into a really deep depression, and this was before I really got into the tools of like using them regularly. Well, in 2023, january, my body shut down and I was like what is? I thought I was going through menopause and finally I realized, oh my gosh, I thought I was going through menopause and finally I realized, oh my gosh, my body is bracing for impact. Every odd year, something really disrupted, had messed up my cycle, and now my body feels it. It's like, oh, we're here, I need to brace for impact.

Tera: 21:32

And I stopped sleeping and my cycle stopped and, like all of my blood pressure, I had gotten sick. So, like all of my blood pressure, I had gotten sick. So the doctor took my blood pressure. They're like your blood pressure is really high. I was like I feel fine, like I'm, I'm okay, but my body knew something was coming and I was like, oh my gosh, like I need to process these past experiences, because that was pre me really using these tools and they're still stuck inside of me. So now I need to inform my body I'm safe, I'm okay, we all made it. You know really like go through those times that I felt really lonely, that I felt a lot of fear, and get it out of my body.

Tera: 22:13

And yeah yeah, so, um, the tool that our founders created is. It's called the core emotion wheel, and we'll have it available to all of your listeners as well. I don't know if you include things in your show notes where they can find the link so you can click and actually access this tool.

Tera: 22:31

But it has the eight core emotions and if you're watching then you can see them. But it's the eight core emotions and I was explaining earlier that if you've seen the movie Inside Out 2, you know we're taught to put our emotions into the glass jar and shove them to the back of our brain. By using these tools, it helps us get those emotions out of the glass jar. When these eight core emotions are the ones that we are processing, then it helps keep things in their most simple form as far as it reduces the overwhelm, the anxiety. Overwhelm and anxiety are an effect of multiple emotions firing at one time, and so when I have a client and she's like, oh, I'm feeling so overwhelmed about this particular situation, like ooh, okay, what's happening with that, and then she can actually recognize oh, I feel fear that this baby is going to come earlier, I'm going to have it in the car, and I feel shame because my last pregnancy didn't go the way I thought it was going to, and I feel hurt because my husband doesn't understand, and loneliness, you know, because I don't have any family here. She's able to actually put these words to her experience and it helps it become more tangible. Now it's not just this big, heavy question mark in her head and now, instead of when she's talking to her husband or her business partner, instead of being like, oh, I'm so overwhelmed, she can say I feel fear about this, and your brain knows what fear feels like. In the same way, my brain knows what fear feels like, so we can connect over that Versus. If I tell you I'm overwhelmed, my overwhelm feels very different than your overwhelm and you kind of like you know, but it doesn't really clue you into what's actually happening for me. And so when I use this tool, like I'll say, with my husband or my kids, we go through the most recent time, we felt the emotion.

Tera: 24:30

So this was actually the moment that changed everything for me is when my husband was doing this for the first time and he shared with me his sad and keep in mind, this was 2020. We were spending 24 hours a day, seven days a week. If you'd asked me an hour earlier do you know everything that's happening for Wes? I'd be like, yeah, I know everything that's happening for that man. We're together all the time. And then he shared with me the sad that was happening in his body and I had no idea, like no clue, that this man that I love was feeling this emotion all day, every day. And it wasn't that he didn't want to tell me, it's that he didn't know how, how he didn't have the words, he didn't even recognize it in his body until he was prompted with the question of what is your sad Like? What's what's the most recent time you felt sad?

Tera: 25:27

And then it was so connecting for me because I realized like, oh my gosh, I I've been probably making his sad even worse, not even intentionally doing that. It was so connecting. So now when I see my husband, I know what's happening for him. When he's burnt out or stressed over work, he's able to share with me his fear or his pain and we can connect. Versus him walking in the door from work how was your day Fine? How was your day Fine, how was your day Fine? And I think, oh, he's mad at me because I burnt dinner, or he's, he's upset. Like we fill in the blanks for each other, but this tool allows us to stop filling in the blank and connect and understand what's actually happening in our bodies and what's happening in the bodies of the people that matter most. So for me it's my husband, my kids and my business partners.

Camille: 26:18

Yeah, Ooh, that's powerful, because I think that that is. It's interesting. I did therapy with my son, I think, at the time when he was four, because he was expressing some pretty sad big words and the very first thing we talked about in him being able to express emotions was looking at different faces of the different You've probably seen it, but it has like different faces of expressing different emotions and we would go through and say, okay, we're going to say three emotions we felt today and you get to name the emotion and why you felt that way. And so today I felt sad because I tripped and cut my knee. Today I felt happy because I tripped and cut my knee.

Camille: 26:57

Today I felt happy because and then fill in, and today I felt and I would model that first and then he would do it second, and it was really at first he didn't want to do it but the practicing of it made it so that he was able to process his emotions and had a lot less like outbursts. I mean this is when he was able to process his emotions and had a lot less like outbursts. I mean this is when he was little, so it was like even it was kind of a violent, he would kick a lot, want to punch things, and it was really because he couldn't verbalize or even have the words to verbalize what he was feeling. So I feel like this is something we need as kids and as an adult, because it's just not practiced that way, because it might seem a little weird at first, maybe, or vulnerable, but that's how we really connect is when we name and identify those emotions.

Tera: 27:47

Yes, a thousand percent. And so we even have one for kids that has the emojis on there, and so we would keep it on our fridge. And my youngest, when he was three, he would like walk up to my fridge and mimic the faces and I would like make a voice. And now at five, he can come home from school and be like oh, I feel guilt, I pulled a girl's hair today at school. I feel guilt about that. Well now, one, it's great to know what happened at school today. And two, he's able to process, like what is happening in his body.

Tera: 28:22

Where my nine-year-old he was. He sounds very similar to your son. He would have these really big outbursts Like I didn't think I was going to survive that kid. But once he was able to put the words to what he was feeling and he actually really identifies with lonely, and so that boy can tell me, he can pinpoint the moment in the day where he felt lonely, where before he would come home super dysregulated, super on edge. And I am now frustrated with him because it's like why are you snapping at me, just do your homework, or we were resisting each other. But now he can come home and be like, oh, I felt super lonely. My friend on the playground, he says he calls a double.

Tera: 29:06

He double ditched me on the playground today, or whatever Like he didn't play with me, and now we're like, oh, buddy, I get that Like that is, that's really lonely, that's really painful, and it changes everything about how he shows up in our home. Now he feels safe, he has it out of his body and he's no longer alone in carrying that pain, and so teaching it to our kids has been such a game changer for us as parents. And now we're also not getting non-answers when they come home from school. Hey, what happened? Well, I sat by so-and-so at lunch. Okay, great.

Camille: 29:40

Or how was today Good?

Tera: 29:42

Just that base. Yeah, it was good. You know like now. I know when they felt sad, I know when they felt hurt, I know when they felt joy. I actually had a kid that has a really hard time identifying joy and through using these tools, now when we're processing and they get to joy, they'll name like five joys and they can now touch joy so much better. And I struggle with that as well. I lost joy in being a mom, especially being a mom through the COVID season. I could not touch joy anymore, and this has helped me because I was in so much pain all the time. But now I'm processing my pain quickly, so I know when the joy hits I can. I can be in that joy moment and recognize it as joy and not be weighed down by the pain that I experienced. An hour earlier or that's what my tendency used to be. I would still be in pain, and so now when the joy moment happens, I wouldn't even feel it.

Camille: 30:36

So I would love to know, as you have this process with your kids and also busy entrepreneur moms as we are, what is your routine or schedule of using this tool and how often are you using?

Tera: 30:49

it? Yeah, that's a great question. In the early days, when I'm getting used to using it, I do it every day, and even with my kids. Now I'll say we do it five out of seven days because life happens, and so for me, with them, when my husband is out of town, it tends to work better for us to do it at dinner because we can. It's. It's a slower process with kids. We're supposed to only spend two minutes per person as we use the tool, but kids they have stories like things tend to go longer. Or we do it at night. So when we're both here and we're doing bedtime, he'll do it with two kids and I will do it with two kids, and then for us we also together would do it at night.

Tera: 31:34

Now my husband and I do it in real time with each other, so when he says something that hurts me, I'm able to say, Ooh, that I feel hurt about this. And or if we're like this weekend, we actually had tension and old trigger topic came up, you know from years earlier. That's still really painful and we, instead of fighting about it for hours, we immediately just pulled out the wheel and went through and as soon as we started sharing what we were experiencing about that topic. We were able to connect. Now it was no longer about that question or that sentence that he or I said. It was about what we were feeling in that moment, and so the faster that we can get to the emotion, the quicker our conflict can dissipate, Because now I'm seeing at the core, versus a sentence that was said, that is either you know, I receive it differently than how it was said, I can actually understand what was firing in his body and he can understand why it's painful for me to hear that.

Tera: 32:40

So yes, starting out daily, either the mornings or in the evenings, whatever works best for your family, but you'll get good at it over time, where you can do it in the moment. Now my daughter, she can tell me when she feels shame in the moment she still has her outbursts like she's a kid, and then afterwards she can approach me and be like oh, I feel so much shame that I talked to you the way that I did and I'm like baby girl. I get that Like I see you and we are connecting so much faster where we're not having to use this 100% of the time because it's a part of our daily language.

Camille: 33:16

That's so cool. I love that you're doing that with your kids, and I'm curious with, maybe older kids, where I have teenagers. Do you always do it with the kids in front of each other, or do you do it with them more Like? I guess you said you did both. So sometimes it's dinner and sometimes it's one-on-one bedtime. Have you noticed one being better than the other?

Tera: 33:37

Or is it you just like having a mix? Yeah, personally, I think the one on one is better, just because I think they're more vulnerable. They're not trying to like make each other laugh. You know, I still have a five year old or be embarrassed about being embarrassed, absolutely, and.

Tera: 33:52

But there are times I'll even get them to do it with each other. So if my oldest two are in conflict with each other, or if they say something positive like one day I think one of them processed joy about their sibling and I was like, ooh, like you should tell them that you feel that, because as siblings fight, you know it's easy to get mad at each other, and so I'll encourage them to share with each other what they're feeling. And even now, when they're in conflict with each other, I'm like what's happening for you? Like talk about it, tell him what's happening for you. I'm trying to model for them how they can use these words with each other instead of just bopping each other on the head, which is the go-to tendency, especially for boys.

Tera: 34:34

At my house, yes.

Camille: 34:36

And then you get to older kids and they're trying to communicate through text, and can I just tell you some of my biggest blah like, oh, why are kids doing this? Is through text messaging, because so so often there isn't the tone or the context, or just their kids. They don't know how to communicate emotion well, and so there's just the text messaging. That's like a whole thing. And then don't text as a group because then that just involves more drama. But that's what I see a lot of kids leaning into is they're not even having conversation anymore face to face. It's like all of these big moments happening through text and I'm like that's not doing anyone any favors for relationships, whether they are romantic or friendship or whatever else. So I love that you're giving your kids these real tools of communicating in an authentic way.

Tera: 35:31

Yes, yes, and I'm letting them see I have emotions too. I am very careful with how I share with them. We actually the podcast episode we released recently was how to use these tools with your kids, because if I'm sharing with them, they're not my therapist.

Tera: 35:48

I'm not there to tell them every single thing they did wrong. That hurt me that day, and so I will tend to share like oh, I feel sad I got an email this morning that really hurt my feelings from a client, or I feel shame that that I yelled at you earlier. That's not how I want to show up for you, um, and so I I'm not like oh, I feel sad that you did this. Like I don't point out all of their things that they have done.

Camille: 36:14

I always make my joy yeah.

Tera: 36:17

I always make my joy about them. I have so much joy that when you got off the bus today you ran over and gave me a hug or or whatever that is Um because my goal with them is that they will learn this language for themselves. But I do also want them to see I also have like we are all emotional beings and that them seeing me like oh, mama has some things at work that are hard. She has moments that she feels really lonely too.

Camille: 36:44

It's not just me, right, but I also protect them in how I share what I'm sharing with them Very good point Because I think that that could, without meaning to that could put them into their own shame cycle of my mom used to pull out this wheel and tell me why I was terrible, that was not good. Which our kids do cause us pain sometimes and, depending on the age of the kid, maybe in their older teen years. It's important that they know, but I like that you point out that it's not every day and it's not all about that negative side. It's more about the joy because, more than anything, inherently as kids, we want our kids, our parents, to be proud of us and for us to be a source of, for them to be a source of joy. So that's that's really interesting. So I'm curious with this wheel, could you read the main emotions that it has on there for people who aren't watching?

Tera: 37:38

this, yeah, and I'm also happy to demonstrate at any point as well, but yeah, why don't you do that?

Camille: 37:43

Read them through and then demonstrate. That would be great.

Tera: 37:46

Great. So we have anger. Anger's message is power up. It moves us to action. We have shame. Shame helps us to show up better as a better version of ourself each day. That's something about I am. Guilt is over an action that we have done, which also helps us to show up better. Fear keeps us safe. It's our protector.

Tera: 38:07

Lonely is a signal I need support. So we often think of lonely as like I'm completely alone. But no, it's the message of I need support in something. Sad is something is missing or damaged. Hurt that's our signal I need to move away.

Tera: 38:22

There is sharp pain here and I need to move away from this, and joy is give me more of this. I want more, and so the first question that most people ask are why are so many of them negative and only one is positive? Well, emotions are not good or bad, they just are. Joy actually can lead to really detrimental behaviors. Joy is the reason that I lay in my bed in the morning instead of getting up and getting my workout done, because I have a lot of joy in laying in my bed. And joy is the reason I eat a whole plate of brownies. It's the reason people cheat on their partners, because we want hits of joy. It's the reason we drink too much. So it can also lead to poor behavior where fear is the reason. I have not spent all of our money on designer handbags.

Tera: 39:13

Fear keeps me protected in my family to have a roof over our head, and so when we can view the emotions, based on the message that they're sharing with us, it actually helps destigmatize what they're there for. We're not looking at the behavior of anger or the behavior of sadness. We are seeing ooh, what am I missing here? Actually, tuning into the sad helps show me what I need, which leads to really positive outcomes. If I'm sad that my like right now, I'm sad my husband is out of town and just knowing that, like something is missing, oh, I should feel sad when he's gone because he's my partner and he's not here right now. If I didn't feel sad over that, that's a really bad sign. If I'm not sad when my husband is not with me, like you know, when he's out of town for long periods of time. So it just clues us into what we need so we can support ourselves, so we can support our partners, our children and those around us.

Camille: 40:15

That's really cool. There's this quote that I recently discovered that makes me think of a sad emotion, or a quote bad emotion. That is actually something good is grief, and they say that grief is the last stage of love, and I think, oh, that's such a beautiful and sad way to put it because it is. If you're grieving something, it's typically because it was so good that you're missing what was, and then really it comes from love and to celebrate that love that was. So I'm curious, do you want to demonstrate like the wheel, like show us what that? I would love to see what that looks like.

Tera: 40:51

Okay, yep, I will do that. Um feel sad sad that my husband is out of town right now and I feel hurt. This morning I opened up my email to actually prepare for this call today this podcast recording and there was another email that came in from someone saying that she did not like me on our podcast and just said that she preferred when I didn't talk, and so I felt a lot of hurt about that. I felt anger in there as well, just anger in. Yeah, like you're going to take your time to send that to me.

Tera: 41:43

I feel shame that actually like taps into my own insecurities of am I too passionate, am I too much? That's a story that I've felt my whole life and a shame that I processed. So she just like tapped right in to that. It's a shame that I'm too much for people. I have guilt. A couple of nights ago my daughter got the stomach bug really bad and I was also sick, so my husband was up with her all night before having to fly out. So I feel guilt that I did not help at all in that process.

Tera: 42:21

I feel fear. Ooh, what fear do I have right now? I have fear. I'll say that I do. I have to process fear that I am the right person for this job. If I'm presenting well, if I'm showing up and explaining things well, where people can understand the power that this has, I feel lonely, I do. I feel lonely in business a lot. Any entrepreneur knows that we wear a lot of hats and we're doing a lot that people can't see behind the scenes and there's a lot of loneliness in that and I have joy. I have joy in getting to be here and share with you and your community and just hearing in our intro, before we even came on live, just more about all that you've created. I'm just so inspired by women creating things for themselves and their families and their passion, so I have tons of joy in being here with you. Oh, well.

Camille: 43:20

Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing that. That is. That's a big ask to do that in a, in a public place, with someone you just met, and I can tell you you've explained yourself extremely well and I loved learning this from you. I think you're amazing and it's interesting to me just being in that situation in reverse that one negative comment can burrow into our subconscious so much more than hundreds and hundreds of accolades or attaboys, or you're doing awesome. So I hope that it flows through you quickly, because it is not true that comes from her own hurt. You know that that for someone to take an email and take the time, it's like Ooh, they must be dealing with something on their own side that's triggered them, you know.

Tera: 44:05

Yeah, well, also like for me.

Tera: 44:07

I read it and it was very painful, um, but being able to process, being able to actually identify, ooh, okay, I feel a lot of hurt that she said that I feel lonely because she has no idea how much I work in the business.

Tera: 44:22

This podcast wouldn't exist without me, so there's lots of loneliness. I feel fear that my partners, that our founders, are going to see this email and regret hiring me and so being able to, like, get all of that out of my body. And is that even based in reality, that fear? No, it's not, but it's still fired. It still happened for me. And so being able to recognize that fear, vocalize it and then connect with my partners over it where they can hold safe space for me, that allowed me to move on with the rest of my day, to show up in spaces confidently and powerfully, without feeling small, without being weighed down in that pain. Or previously, if I'd read that email that would have dysregulated me, I'd be like I'm done, I'm never going to show up again. But it doesn't do that because I get to tell, I get to be in charge of my emotions, I get to feel them and process them instead of having them stay weighed in my belly all day.

Camille: 45:27

Yeah, ooh, that's powerful. So when your kids are sharing this or someone else is doing this process, do you simply hold space for them and then let them go through the whole wheel, and then you discuss afterward and then it's mainly the purpose of letting them cleanse it all out. Is that kind of the process of it?

Tera: 45:46

Yes, so when we're actually using the, this tool in, like, if me and my husband were like, okay, we're going to do the wheel together, then the goal is to only spend two minutes per person doing it, because in that process it's the goal is for me to know what guilt feels like, for what hurt feels like, to retrain my body, and and for me to hear what's happening for him. So, yes, I am just there to hold safe space for him. We call it oohing each other and that's just simply a verbal response. It's not a word. So I'll nod, I'll you just ood me, you just yeah, it's that like.

Camille: 46:25

Yes, I know what you're saying.

Tera: 46:26

Yes, it's like I'm here with you, I hear you. I have not checked out and the other person, by hearing you make those sounds, knows oh, I'm still, I'm not alone in this moment. They're here with me, they, they recognize what I'm saying. So we just ooh each other in that process, holding that safe space. And then that also trains me where, tomorrow, if I say something that hurts him and he comes to me, he's like oh, I felt really hurt that you said that. Oh, I can tune into that. I know what to do now. I just need to ooh him. I just need to hold safe space for him instead of defending myself, instead of trying to fix the problem.

Tera: 47:04

I used to be the most defensive person on earth. I could, like, win an argument, but I would lose relationship with him because I was so set on defending myself. And now I recognize oh, okay, yeah, he tried to have sex with me last night. I said, no, he's hurt by that. Yeah, I get that. If I tried to pursue him in something and he said, no, I would be hurt by that too. So now I can just like recognize his hurt and hold space for that.

Tera: 47:34

That doesn't mean I need to change my behavior. That doesn't mean that I need to show up even differently, like that, I need to be like, oh, I should have just had sex with him, even though I didn't sleep, even though I'm exhausted, even though I had a meeting until 10 PM. No, I can just recognize his hurt and be like, yeah, I get that, I see you, what do you need? And to be like I just I need to connect with you in the next few days. Oh, I can make that happen for you. So it does. It helps me hold space for him. It helps me give him identity and see him and get to the core of what we need.

Camille: 48:07

I love that and I'm thinking about my own kids too. I'm like gosh, I need to get this started. So this has been absolutely amazing. And, to speak to the loneliness piece, you are not alone in entrepreneurship. I actually just started a mastermind for this exact reason. So if you're listening to this and you've been looking for a network of amazing women for a mastermind, reach out to me. It's baby, it's brand new, but that's very relatable. So, even if it's not my mastermind, find a network of women that can support and buoy you up. It's really interesting because there are networks and circles that include men, and I love men, but they process things differently than women do and they're not wearing the same hats, and I feel like that. They're really a strength in women supporting women. So just a little plug for that, but please tell us where we can connect with you, learn more about this program and help change our perspective. And also communication on emotions.

Tera: 49:04

Yeah, so we are the connection codes. We're on Instagram and our website is connectioncodesco, but you can access this tool if you're wanting to download it and try it for yourself. There'll be a link in the show notes. It'll be connectioncodesco forward slash. Call-me ceo, so it'll be the name of the podcast. Make it easy for you, but being able to just access this, try it for yourself and then, from there, if you have questions, if you need support, I genuinely do love helping people walk through this process and if you get stuck at any place, reach out to me, email me. I coach people through their overwhelm and helping them learn how to apply this to their lives. So if you are feeling stuck in your day and unable to reach your goals because you're being weighed down by life, like that's what I help people get to the other side of and our podcast that's what I should have said to begin with is Connection Codes Perfect and we teach how to use this tool?

Camille: 50:04

Yes, so you're saying that people can use the link below to get their own free wheel sent to them With?

Tera: 50:10

the downloadable.

Camille: 50:11

Yes, oh, the downloadable.

Tera: 50:13

Yes, and we have a video where I can show you how to use it for yourself, but we also have a video of our founders to show how a husband and wife uses it with each other.

Camille: 50:23

Yes, yes, I love that. So powerful, so good. Thank you so much for coming on the show. I always end the show with two questions. The first one is what are you reading, watching or listening to? And that could be just one of those categories, or all of them. And then the other is to share a motherhood moment, something that was funny, insightful, heartwarming, sad, whatever it is that pops into your mind.

Tera: 50:50

Yes, okay. So I have a little bit of shame in what I'm reading right now because it's not this big. I always read self-help books. You know 10 X is better than two X. You know those types of books. And this summer I committed to reading fiction, and so I'm on the last book of the Court of Thorn and Roses series yes, and so I am reading that book right now.

Tera: 51:14

I'm reading for pleasure for the first time in years and I'm loving every second of it. And I what I am watching? Oh, this is a great question. I am a sucker for trash TV. So, I am currently watching Real Housewives of Orange County and Salt Lake City. I have so much shame in admitting that as well. I'm really looking forward to watching the new Kristen Bell and Adam Brody show.

Camille: 51:42

I've been watching that with my husband, yeah. We're on like episode three. It's really cool.

Tera: 51:47

Yeah, I'm waiting on my husband to get back in town so we can watch it, and so what I'm watching, what I'm reading, what was the last one of?

Camille: 51:53

that Listening to.

Tera: 51:54

What am I listening to? I actually am listening to right now. I've been using some meditations, so I joined the workout program form, which I kept getting ads for. It's like workouts but they have meditation, so I'm walking and listening to their meditations. I typically listen to, of course, like all the podcasts Amy's podcast and Boss Babe and all of those things but right now I'm just trying to go inward and connect with what I'm needing to do versus having other influences. Connect with what I needing to do versus having other influences.

Tera: 52:33

And a moment I will say my oldest was diagnosed at six before I had these tools with an anxiety disorder and she really struggled with textures and clothing and it was a really big source of like pain in our house. Every day. Getting dressed was a really big source of like pain in our house. Every day getting dressed was a really big pain. And now she is really good at processing her emotions and getting in touch. And last weekend we went shopping together, which used to be a horrible experience, and at this shopping trip she bought jeans, which is I can't express.

Camille: 53:07

Big deal.

Tera: 53:08

I have a kid with sensory so I'm like jeans those are, yeah, yes, like she bought jeans, she bought sweaters, like the things that she picked out. It just showed me the growth that she is experiencing and that impacts me, of course, because now we're not fighting over her clothes, but seeing her confidence grow in that like for herself and the healing that's taken place within her own body or she feels comfortable in her own skin. Now I'm trying not to cry Like that. That is my heartwarming moment, and it happened just a few days ago.

Tera: 53:43

Yes, so, yes, huge, yes, game changer. Oh, she's my girl.

Camille: 53:49

Yes, that's so cool, I love. There's nothing better than watching growth of one of your children and knowing so much of the detail of who they were from birth to where they are now. To see those monumental moments. So that is so amazing. Yes, so happy for you. Yes, well, thank you again. This has been so great. I know I learned a ton. I hope that our listeners as well have really felt impacted for good with this episode and, if that is the case, please feel free to leave a five-star rating and review, subscribe to the podcast and share so that other mothers can be inspired and learn from these incredible women like you. So thank you so much, tara. I really appreciate you being on the show today. Yes, thank you so much. Hey, ceos, thank you so much for spending your time with me. If you found this episode inspiring or helpful, please let me know in a comment and a five-star review. You could have the chance of being a featured review on an upcoming episode. Continue the conversation on Instagram at callmeCEOPodcast and remember you are the boss.