181: How to Talk to Your Kids: 5 Ways to Build a Strong Connection and Become Their Go-To Person

how to communicate with kids

Camille: [00:00:00] Welcome back everyone to call me CEO. My name is Camille Walker. If this is your first time here, welcome. If this is not your first time, thank you for coming back. We have conversations here about women, especially mothers, growing businesses, and how they balance both life, family, and work. And business.

And today's episode is a little different. I don't have a guest on today because I'm going to be speaking on something that I was recently invited to guest podcast on or be invited as a speaker. And that topic was communication with children. And you may not know that I actually authored a book available on Amazon and other places as well called time for us.

And it is a communication journal. That you do with parent and child for ages two to 12. I have been blogging on my mommy style now for almost 14 years and being a parent and communicating with my kids is one of my all time favorite things, as well as [00:01:00] being a teacher certified in family and consumer sciences, connection and parent and family relationships are one of my all time favorite topics to talk about.

And as I was going through these questions, I thought I should probably bring this to my podcast because. These are questions that, first of all, were very clever in how they were put together. They were submitted by people who are listening. And also I think that we all, it's really refreshing for us as parents to hear that we're not alone in developing or wanting to develop clear communication with our kids.

And it takes effort and it takes work. And I am not the expert by any means, but I have been a mom now for almost 16 years, and I've learned a few things along the way. So I, as I was putting this together, I thought this would be a great episode. If you would like to hear more episodes like this, make sure that you are subscribed so that you never miss an episode as well as go to my website At Camille Walker.

co where you can get weekly [00:02:00] emails as well as a free mom balance playbook. It's available for you. It helps you to balance mom life and even has some great easy recipes to do in there and kind of helps you to clarify what your perfect balance looks like. That's a different episode, but to get into communication with our kids, I am a mother of four.

My children's ages are currently 15, almost 16, 13, 10, and seven. And it's really interesting because I was talking to this about my husband last week, and I was saying. It's really important to go through the hard things as a parent, because when things get better, you appreciate them all the more. And don't you feel like that's how life is in general?

That when you go through a challenging or difficult time, it's those things that you really have to work for, that you appreciate all the better when it gets better. So I'm going to go through these questions and I hope that you'll be able to hear something that rings true to you, something that gives you a bit of [00:03:00] wisdom and would love to get a conversation going.

If there are more suggestions or ideas that you have, I would love to hear from you. You can reach out to me on Instagram at Camille Walker. co or call me CEO podcast. All right. So let's dive into this. The number one question that I got submitted when I was preparing this speech or this discussion was, do you have any strategies that we as adults can use to help children express their emotions?

This is such an important question because number one, it's acknowledging that children communicate differently than adults do. And in many times, In a more beautiful way, because they don't mince words, they can tell you what's going on. However, if they don't have the language to explain what's going on, that's when things get complicated.

And that's one of the number one things that I learned when one of my children at a young age was starting to have a lot of tantrums and explosive kicking, screaming, [00:04:00] uh, to the point where I was really concerned about. His mental health and also the solutions that I had a parent as a parent to help him and one of the number one things that the therapist taught and we only went to three sessions.

It was a very short time, but it gave me a tool that changed everything for him specifically. And what it was is emotion practicing. In way of seeing what they were feeling. Now, let me break this down a little bit. So children specifically feel their feelings in their stomach, in their gut. They say that our second brain is actually our stomach or our gut.

That's where we process emotions. And I don't know if any of you have ever been really nervous and had bad indigestion or had. Diarrhea or have had upset cramping. That is an example of processing emotion in your stomach, which is very real. So in this circumstance for our children who are very [00:05:00] young, and especially when they don't know how to express emotion, they may communicate emotion to you in the way of saying, I have a stomach ache, or I'm not feeling good, or I feel yucky.

Or I. don't feel like going to school today. I think I need to stay home. I'm sick. What could be happening is they could be experiencing stress. They could be experiencing anxiousness. They could experiencing any different form of not feeling unwell. And so one of the things that I thought that was really interesting to learn from this therapist.

For this example is she had us look at a photo of maybe a hundred different faces on one paper. This was like a homework assignment for us, and I will link to it below. I have an example of what I mean by this on this piece of paper. It is a picture of the same person. And when I say person, it's a drawn, it's an illustration of a person.

And below each of the [00:06:00] faces is an expression or a, uh, different variation of emotion and what that might look like on someone's face. So we're talking beyond mad, sad, happy. We're saying things like exhausted or exhilarated or, uh, excited, or maybe they're thinking of even words like Now, why it was so important for us to see these different emotions is it gave the child and me as the parent ideas of what our face looks like when we're feeling different emotions, the highs and the lows that goes beyond something of happy, mad, sad.

So what I really wanted to focus in on was babies understand tone and facial expression way before they actually understand the words that you say. And so as your Children get a little bit older, The tone, the expression, and then understanding how to communicate how they're feeling is really important for them to practice and understand.

So our [00:07:00] homework for this was we would look at this paper. And one of the words, let's say one of the words I was using was scared, and I would give three examples of different emotions and scared could be my first one. I could pick any that I wanted, but we would talk about our day. So maybe that day I would say my emotions were scared, excited, and lonely.

Okay. So for the first example, I would say today I felt scared when I let the dog out and I wasn't sure where he went. And then the next one could be, today I felt excited when you came home from school and told me what a good day you had had. A third example could be, today I felt lonely when I went to an event and I didn't know anyone there.

So what I would express myself in those three ways, and then my son would get the turn to choose three emotions and to look at the paper to see, you know, maybe if there [00:08:00] was one on there that he wanted to try that was new and repeat the same thing. Today, I was glad that I saw Johnny at school. Today. I was nervous when I had a test that I hadn't studied for or whatever.

And so what is really cool about this is that it's a practice and a strategy that in a safe environment, your child can express and explore emotion in a safe place that makes it a possible for them to understand how they're feeling and also to see you model what that could look like in different emotions that they have.

So that's number one. And also to listen to children when they have, when they tell you that they're feeling a certain way physically, to maybe ask a few more questions to understand if it could be something that they're feeling emotionally. And that's a practice that depending on the age of the kid, a lot of these questions will change the responses.

Because of course, if [00:09:00] I have a teenager that's feeling a certain way, I would talk to him about his emotions very differently than I would talk to say my seven year old. But I think the number one thing here is that no emotion is off the table and that feelings are valid and that we can talk about them and understand them and it makes for a much stronger emotional connection with ourselves and even with themselves to be able to express those emotions in a safe place.

Okay. Number two, how can we show children we are actively listening and truly understand their perspective? Okay. So this goes back to my roots of actually being a student in high school. I was a part of this class called adult roles. The class is all about basically everything you should learn in a high school class that we don't necessarily learn.

It was insurance, it was relationships, it was family finances, it was how to communicate [00:10:00] effectively. And it was actually that class that I loved so much that I decided to major in that major for my college degree. But one of the things my teacher said that I will never forget is she said, when you're communicating with little children, the number one thing you want to remember is that they are people.

They're just little, they're little people. So it's very important to get on the same level with them of eye contact, whether that means you get down on your knees, you sit down on a chair, maybe, um, if they're, Sitting with you that you're there sitting on your lap. You're looking eye to eye, whatever that scenario may be communication is always more effective when as a parent you're not portraying dominance without necessarily meaning to just by standing up and looking down where that person is having to look up at you. That's a very physically threatening place for a child. For a child to be physically.

So it's really important to get on the level with them. I'll never forget [00:11:00] that they're just little people and a practice that I've always done with my children and something that my husband brought up when I quizzed my kids about what they thought I had done well, and maybe what is a good idea for other parents, I'll get to that in a little bit, but this is actually one of the things he complimented me on, which was really sweet.

He said, you've always talked to our kids in a way that has made it feel as though they can understand. You talk to them like they're human and that they can understand quite a bit more than maybe what other parents might assume of their own children. And what, what he meant by that is I, I speak to them with respect and I do my best to really reflect and mirror what they say.

So let's talk about what that looks like as a practice. So actively listening. When I took my class all those years ago in high school, one of the number one things to do is to mirror body language. And this is actually with parents, kids, it doesn't matter who it is, but if I have someone who's folding their [00:12:00] arms across their chest and they're talking, sometimes I'll fold my arms and listen as they talk.

That can be seen as like an off putting behavior, but if the other person's doing it and it's a comfortable position Go ahead and do that. Or if someone is let's say Has one hand on under their chin you could do that too as as you're listening and reflect what it is that you Are seeing physically that's that's a listening tool and tactic number two is to Mirror what you hear.

So what that means is You When your child is telling you a story, even when they're little, little, little, you can say something to them that reflects what they're saying. So let's say I am listening to a child who's three. He's telling me about a story about his brand new train set and how he plans to use it or what, what happened with it that day.

And. Yeah. I always try to pick up a part of the sentence that they said to me and I'll repeat [00:13:00] it back to them. So you had a really good time with your train set. What did you do with it next? Or I'll make it very specific to what they're saying. And what I've noticed, especially as kids get younger and they become older and they hear that reflective listening, they know that you value what they're saying.

So it doesn't mean that you have to know every specific things. I know sometimes tiny kids especially can go on and on and on. But it really makes it so that as you listen to them with the small things, they want to keep continuing to share with you when it becomes big things. And I promise you, they become big things because I have teenagers now and it's, it's really different, but they're, these are practices I tried to adopt really early on.

Now, another thing as far as understanding their perspective. What I've really tried to do with my older kids is that I tried to do reflective listening and one of the things that I've, I've learned [00:14:00] in the book, how to talk. So kids will listen and how to listen. So kids will talk. I'll link to that below as well, is that children.

Oftentimes may not be looking for you to give them a solution. Sometimes they are, sometimes they're not. And so one of the tactics in that book tells you to say, if your child comes to you with a problem is to say, I know of someone that's gone through this situation before, would you like some ideas of how to handle it?

And if they say yes, then it's giving you that invitation to give them ideas. I do practice this, but I don't do this all of the time. One other way, especially for teenagers to want to express more emotion or tell you more stories is to say, uh huh, and that's it. And you just keep listening. And what else?

Tell me more. Because as they get older, [00:15:00] the fear is that there will be judgment. That there will be a lecture. That there will be some kind of consequence for sharing details with you. Now, with teenagers. This is going to come into another question. I'll leave it for now. Let's go to number three. Number three, what are the most effective ways to resolve misunderstandings with children?

Now, misunderstandings, I interpreted this question as being Maybe that there's been something that your child has done. I think that's what they meant by this question. And so for me, and especially after interviewing my kids, I think they would attest to this. The number one thing that I said is to try not to react in the moment.

Try not to be reactionary, but to be curious. And this can be difficult. This is when parenting gets hard or, you know, one of the harder times where you really have to learn how to govern your own emotions first, but [00:16:00] to try to maintain a calm and steady voice. And when I asked my kids, I asked them one by one, what helps us to establish better communication with each other?

The number one thing that I heard, especially from the younger kids was do not yell and to keep a calm and steady voice. I thought, and then I was like, Oh no, what did I, and then I said, do you think I do that? And they said, yes, I don't do that perfectly, but I was grateful that that was what they identified as being really helpful.

And then to follow it up, my, one of my sons said, and to show them that you can help them and that it's just a mistake and that it can, Mistakes can be fixed and that you can help them with it. So I think that that's really helpful is this can be done through role play. This can be done that you show them that you know when bad things happen, controlling that reactionary impulse is probably the most effective way for them to feel safe and wanted to continue to communicate [00:17:00] with you.

So let's let's focus on that. Let's focus on what it is that we can do because it's in the little things in those little moments of the crack day, the spilled milk, the, I don't know, there's always going to be something that where things hit the fan and practicing that self control is. One of those talents that takes time to develop and there have, I'll be honest, there have been times where if I feel like I'm in a state of not being able to hand things, handle things super well, I will tell my kids I'm feeling really on edge right now and I'm not in the best place.

I need a minute. I'm going to go take some time and I'll be back because what that does. As it shows them that even mom needs a break sometimes, and if they're having a really bad day, or if something goes wrong between two kids, and there's a fight, or there's something I'm trying to understand with what went down with them, if maybe one child needs to apologize, or they both [00:18:00] do, whatever, I will just say, You know, we all mess up and it looks like you're not ready to apologize and that's okay, but you need to go to your room and take time when you've calmed down and you're ready to apologize, you are welcome to come back.

And that's the way we like to roll. All right. Number four, how can we encourage our children to come to us with their big problems or questions? How can we make them comfortable and be their go to person? Now, the number one thing with this is that we want to be the person that they feel comfortable coming to with the little things, being there through the fun, the conversations that to us, maybe don't feel like they have.

A huge amount of stock or value actually have a lot of stock and value when your kids feel like you listen and you care about who they are and what they have to say so that when those big questions do come that you're the person that they want to come to because you've been there in the [00:19:00] past. When I asked my kids, this is another question that came up.

What was the thing that helped us to build communication? They, every single one, seven to 16 said to have fun with us. To be there, to do things together, to create purposeful time one on one and this goes back to really the purpose behind my Time for Us journal was to create an atmosphere for parents to create meaningful time with their children one on one with the little stuff so that they could be there in the big stuff.

And that is my Time for Us journal. Again, I will link to that below. But another thing that I thought of with this one, Is that when it comes to the big stuff, we really need to make sure that we are creating an environment where we keep down the shock value. And what I mean by that is that there are a lot of taboo topics that may make you uncomfortable.

They could be questions like pornography, masturbation, uh, [00:20:00] depression, the sex talk. I mean, you, there are a lot of things that could come up where you may feel uncomfortable. Talking about it. Suicide. These are all questions and situations where if you as the parent start at an early age, talking about your child in a healthy way and talking to them about themselves in a healthy way, they can establish a sense of who they are.

And that it's safe to talk about it. So the example that I gave earlier this week is when my children were very young, one of the things that I wanted to make sure that we felt comfortable talking about was their body. And it was very simple when they were children and just learning, what is everything called?

What is the elbow? What does it do? How does it bend? What do you use it for? Oh, that's so cool that our arm can bend like that and it can be so strong. And Just like we talk about elbow, we talk about the wrist, we talk about the throat, we start to talk about maybe [00:21:00] words that they don't hear people use every single day, and it's a discovery, and along with that, we talk about body parts that they have that are their private parts, and the real words of what those private parts are, and that we talk about them a with their real words.

Now, something else that can lead into that is, let's say that my small child was going in for a checkup where they would be, you know, old enough to remember and to know that the doctor needs to look at their private place, their penis or whatever the case may be. And I would say, okay, Now today, the doctor is going to take a little look and this is what he's going to do and mommy's going to be there and it's very safe.

Now, outside of a doctor's office and besides with mom and dad, it is inappropriate for anyone to be looking, touching, or asking to see these private areas. These are private and they're meant to be kept only for you. And from when mom and dad help you or the [00:22:00] doctor and when mom and dad are, it's a safe environment.

And if you're ever in that situation, you let mommy and daddy know you're not in trouble, but it's just not appropriate even for, to be with your friends and to touch each other or whatever the situation may be. This conversation, This one that you have early on that, you know, you show that your child's body is beautiful.

It's perfect. Just the way it is. You identify what the, what the parts are, what they're called and that it's safe and that you are safe. And that if they're ever in a situation where they're being asked to touch or see or do that, that is not appropriate. And you can tell them things that they can say.

Now that's a whole different topic, but important. And that's an example of. Maybe something that could be considered uncomfortable for you to talk about early on as they get a little bit older and going into, let's say maturation time when they have their class learning about their bodies and themselves and everything else that goes with it.

One thing that I've done in the past is [00:23:00] I've actually pulled up the guide of what they see, what the, like the video that my children are going to see through the district and I'll watch it with them before we even go. Or I'll watch it by myself and see what topics might come up and review it with my child.

And I'll say, this is what you're learning about. This is what the other gender is learning about. Let's go through it. Do you have any questions? And what's really interesting to me, especially in this situation, is that it gives your child the chance to ask you questions in a safe way. Where they don't have to go into the scenario of being in this room with their peers and strangers and feeling uncomfortable, not knowing what to expect this way.

It kind of gives them the power to feel like they already know what's going on. It's really easy to Google and find, uh, and it really gives them the opportunity to think about it and to understand what's happening before they're put in that situation themselves. Now, with this also [00:24:00] comes. The puberty, the big questions that come up, sex, um, pornography, and with pornography with my kids, I've told them it's not a matter of if, it's a when, that you're going to see it and you're not in trouble, but that viewing pornography can change the way that our brain works, and it can be very natural to be curious.

It can also change the way that our brain chemistry works. When we see pornography and that they're not in trouble, but they can come and talk to mom and dad about it and let us know. And we can safeguard it. And I'll say, Hey, I've looked up things very innocently and been shocked to see pornography on the other side.

And it's not that you've done something wrong. It's just a part of the world we live in, unfortunately, that, that that can happen. Now, again, Being the go to person is really about keeping down the shock value, holding reaction for another time. You really want to be the person that, big or small, [00:25:00] they feel safe to be with you.

Another tool that I heard someone share recently is that they have 15 minutes of truth. They would set a timer with their parent, and for 15 minutes, that child could say anything that they needed to get off their chest for the 15 minutes. To feel like they weren't keeping secrets, they wouldn't get in trouble.

It was just a matter of being able to communicate. I think that's a really clever idea. I haven't done that one, but I have noticed that with my teenagers, they oftentimes want to talk when it's late at night and when they maybe want to stay up later, or I think it's really a time for them to like detox from the day.

They don't want to talk right after school, but heck, take them for a walk or let them come into your room. We have our children turn in their electronics at night, their computers and their phones. They stay in our room. And so that's a time every single night that my kids are coming in and checking in with us.

And it's a great time to talk too, if they have something on their mind. Another thing that we do in our family is [00:26:00] we have weekly check ins. On Sundays, we call the children in one at a time, my husband and I, we have a one on one and then we talk with our children one on one, we talk about things that they're doing well.

We talk about big events that they have coming up. We talk about things that we're proud of them for, and we will also talk about things that we need to work on. And it's a really important time to. It's not about being confrontational at all. It's really about keeping up that communication, talking with them, giving them our full attention.

And we usually like to make it fun where we'll have a cookie or a treat or something that when they're done, they, they get to take a little something away. When the kids were a little bit younger, we would even do like a weekly store where I would have them earn different things for things that they did well in the week.

I'm not currently doing that, but that's also been a fun thing to do too. Now, number five is in today's digital age, how has technology impacted the [00:27:00] way parent and children communicate and thoughts on kids with social media? Now, this is a huge question right now. This topic is not going to be going away anytime soon.

We've done the best that we can as parents. So I'll share with you what's worked for us, but we've also made mistakes too. I think the longer you can keep your kids uninterested in a phone. Do it. Good for you. I applaud people who can keep away completely for us. I also believe that it's important to teach our kids how to manage and understand the use of a phone before they are sent into the world and we're no longer there.

Governing their every move living under our roof. And part of that is self regulation and understanding the relationship between social media and the phone. With that being said, our children are not on social media, aside from my oldest is on, um, Be real. And we also have Marco Polo, which I really like.

Marco [00:28:00] Polo is like a telephone communication app with video. And so it's a really fun way that kids can communicate with other kids, but there aren't like ratings or engagement in the way of outside people seeing that information. I like Be Real for the most part. I think it can get tricky with friends.

You know, any, any time that kids have to understand how to communicate with text messaging, honestly, that's been one of the hardest hurdles for my kids to work through. And I think that will continue to be the case because so much of tone and intonation is missing in that communication. And so really teaching kids how to communicate effectively with text messaging.

And that face to face interaction is always going to be superior. I honestly feel like that's where our biggest challenge as parents lies right now. So to let your children know that you're involved in that piece, that this phone is a privilege and not a right, and that [00:29:00] we always have access to your text messages if we feel like there is a time where they need to be monitored, or anytime we could ask for the phone and it's It's a situation where, yeah, you can check out my phone and there's no secrets or, you know, passwords that you don't know so that you can check in and be very involved in that.

I do also use bark technologies to look for language that includes suicidal ideation, bullying, pornography, um, any kind of hate speech. And that is an outside Program that I've really liked. Another one that we really love is family safety. That is what we use for monitoring time for the X Box for YouTube.

Actually, we don't let them watch YouTube anymore. That's when we don't let them use. Um, But if they want access to gaming, they have to request it even on the phones and the apps. We give [00:30:00] permission through through family safety, and we have time parameters for that of the usage. And then we also have parenting controls on what they can access in for how long.

And if they want more time, they have to request it, and it comes through the phone. So those are some good ideas. I am not an expert. I love the book written by Mindy McKnight. It's called Parenting in the Digital Age or something like that. I'll link to it below, but I've really loved her book as well.

She's done an incredible job and her kids have gone on to have their own social media lives. It's a whole other level of having to understand how to stay safe on social Um, and to, you know, talk to your children about the dangers of as well. Now, one thing that I forgot to mention is the time that you're spending with your kids one on one is very important to be intentional with that.

And sometimes because we're driving everywhere and we have so many activities going on, it can be tricky to get in that one [00:31:00] on one time. So two ideas that I really like for getting in. special time with your kids is number one when you're driving your kids around to their various activities. If you have one on one time with your child to really try to make that time count.

And one way that's really fun that my kids that I do with my younger kids, that's very unconfrontational is we will quiz each other about what we know about each other or even topics that we feel really confident in. And we'll take turns asking each other questions and kind of gamifying it. Another thing is I regularly do something called a step bet.

It's a walking challenge through an app where you put money into a service online. And it challenges you for six weeks to get a certain amount of steps in that week. Or sorry for six weeks. And so when I've done these step challenges, I have to be walking a lot. I think maximum it's like 10, 000 for me personally.

Uh, and I will involve my children on [00:32:00] those walks and I'll try to do one on one walks with them so that it gives them the floor to say anything that's on their mind or anything that they want to talk to me about and I'll say, Hey, come on this walk with me and I'll just listen. Let's just talk about whatever's on your mind.

Let's talk about it. And I, my daughter was resistant to it this one night and finally got her to come out on a walk with me. She likes to hole up in her room sometimes. And I said, I, this is all about you. You have the floor. I'm just going to listen. Let's go for a walk. And I said, well, I only need to go for 10 minutes.

Cause I'd already done some walking that day. And And we were walking and we passed a mile, you know, we'd gone for quite a while. And I said, well, we're past the time I need to go. We can go back. And she said, no, mom, I'm actually really liking this. Let's keep walking. And what I can tell you about talking to children specifically is that It's really important to mirror behavior, but it's also really neat to walk and talk because it [00:33:00] exercises your mind and your body at the same time and really gives you the chance to kind of sort things out as you're walking side by side.

It's very non confrontational again, where it gives them a little more space to kind of work through what it is that they want to say. I love doing that for myself, even with friends, I call it my walk and talk very last on today's episode. Are, are there any books or podcasts that you'd recommend for parents wanting to learn more about communicating with their kids?

Now I've already mentioned my top two, it's how to talk. So children, so kids will listen and how to talk, how to talk. So kids will listen and how to listen. So kids will talk. It's a really long, uh, name, but that's one that I've listened to and really liked. And then the book by Mindy McKnight is one that I love as well.

Those are probably my top two. And For podcasts, parenting podcasts, I don't have one in mind in particular, but if you do, I [00:34:00] would love to have you comment or share that with me on social media. And I will put that in the comments or in the show notes below. I hope that you enjoyed this episode. And I want to do something fun for anyone that is listening to this episode today.

If you are interested in winning the time for us journal, I would love to send you one. All I ask is If you could write a review on my podcast, take a screenshot that you're subscribed to the podcast and send it to me at Camille Walker. co or at Camille or call me CEO podcast on Instagram. I will choose three winners who do that and want to win a journal.

And I have two different volumes of this journal that's available on Amazon. So if you're interested in winning, please go ahead and do that. And know that I appreciate you. I'm so grateful that you're here. And I hope that something [00:35:00] that I shared with you today was helpful knowing that I am by no means perfect or even close to, I think the more that I parent, the more I learned there is to learn.

And I'm just really grateful that I get to be a mom and be on this journey with my kids and learn from them. So have a wonderful day and I will talk to you later.